Piper met her birth mom.

On New Year's Day, Piper and her birth mom met for the first time since Piper was born 2.5 years ago.  I would love to post pictures, but, out of respect for Anna, I'll refrain.

Adoption is so weird and wonderful.  I have a really hard time putting that day into words, so this is probably all going to be "word vomit," but I feel like it's such a big event that it's worth recording.

Piper and her birth mom look exactly the same.  Even some of their mannerisms are the same.  It is very strange, and kind of sad, to look at the precious child who lives with you and realize that you two share no similar features.  No one will ever look at Piper in a crowd and think, "She belongs to that lady (me)."  Likewise, I'm sure that it is very strange, and kind of sad, for Anna to look at the child who is her little "mini-me" and hear her call me, "Mommy." 

Anna has another baby now, Olivia, who lives with her.  Olivia came to the meeting day with her dad (not Piper's birth father) and Anna, so Piper got to meet her half sister.  She is about two months younger than Caroline (our youngest), who was also there. 

We met at Pop's (a restaurant in Oklahoma City with thousands of flavors of soda bottles on the walls).  We all ate, Piper decided that she hates soda because "it's spicy", and Anna walked around with her, read to her (Piper's favorite activity), and bought her a jumbo lollipop that Piper talked about for days.  We chatted for awhile, and then the babies got fussy, so we all went back to our two separate homes.  On the way home, Piper said, "Miss Anna.  She's so nice." 

It was a happy day for everyone, but also a reminder of loss on both ends.  I would venture to guess that the evening was harder for Anna than it was for us.  I don't think she ever questions her decision because of the position that she was in at the time of giving Piper to us, but I know that my heart would ache if I ever heard Caroline talk about her adventures with a "Mommy" who wasn't me. 

How do you explain these things to a toddler?  Honestly, I have no idea.  I'm not sure that we're doing it "right", so I just pray that God will use the few good words that come out of my mouth to speak to Piper's heart and cover over my mistakes.  We tell her that, just like Mommy had Caroline in her tummy and then Caroline came out and lived with us, Piper was in Miss Anna's tummy and then she came out and lived with us.  We also tell her that Olivia came out of Miss Anna's tummy, too, but she lives with Miss Anna.  We tell her that Miss Anna loves her very much, and that Miss Anna is very special.  We've used the term "birth mom," but Piper really doesn't understand that.  We are trying to be open and honest with Piper about her adoption because we feel that if we hide this from her, she won't be able to trust us down the road, about this or anything else.  We also think that by our keeping her adoption a secret, Piper will miss out on knowing someone (Anna) who is so cherished by our whole family.  

On the way out that day, Anna cried and gave me a long, tight hug.  She said, "She (Piper) really is awesome.  Thank you for letting me see her."  I find it hard to believe that she would need to thank me for letting her see the child that she birthed, just as it seems weird to me that people think we are so generous for having an open adoption.  To me, I can't imagine it being any other way.  I have the attitude that God has gifted me with both of my children, and at the end of the day, they belong to Him anyway.  I don't want to hold onto my children so tightly that I fear them loving or spending time with someone else.  I am hopeful that we will see Anna more in the future, as the proverbial ice has been broken now, and that this is just the start of a beautiful relationship with the rest of Piper's family.

About Having Kids and Having Plans

I had an interesting conversation with the guy who came to my workplace to update insurance information this week.  He appeared to be about my age or maybe a couple of years older and wasn't married (or at least wasn't wearing a ring).  I met with him after school on Friday, so the weekend was on everyone's mind.  Our conversation went something like this (between signing on the dotted lines, etc.):

Him: So, do you have any big plans this weekend?
Me: No, not really.  I have two little girls at home, so they keep me pretty busy.  We'll probably just hang around the house.
Him: You have two kids already?  How old were you when you had your first? (Apparently I look like a baby.)
Me: We adopted my daughter when I was 25, and now we have a six-month-old.  
Him: Wow, you must have been really mature to have adopted a child at 25.  I'm nowhere near mature enough for that.
Me: I suppose if you wait until you're ready, you'd never do it.
Him: That is an interesting point.  Your lifestyle sounds so different from mine.

My lifestyle probably is a lot different from his.  Before we had kids, waking up at 4:30 on weekdays and 6:00 (if I'm lucky) on weekends sounded absurd.  I would come home after work on Fridays, grab a glass of wine or a snack, and watch two hours of "Say Yes to the Dress" before Andrew even got home.  I stayed up late, and most weekends were packed with social activities such as movies, car races, or parties. 

After Piper was born, I knew I had never loved any human except my husband more than I loved her, and I had also never been more exhausted.  Having a newborn takes every ounce of your attention and sleep because they literally cannot do anything for themselves.  So, we planned to wait until Piper was in Pre-K, when childcare would be free and she would be more self-sufficient, to start the adoption process again.  God had other plans, and Caroline was born shortly after Piper turned two.  And that is when I figured out the true meaning of "busy" and "sleep-deprived".  When people say that the adjustment of going from one child to two is far greater than the adjustment of going from no children to one, they really mean it.  There truly is never a moment (except sometimes in the middle of the night, and even that isn't guaranteed) when someone doesn't need something. 

I probably wasn't "really mature" when we adopted Piper (I'm probably still not!).  I've heard lots of people say, "I'm too selfish to have kids" or "I enjoy my personal time/space too much" or "I'm too busy for kids" or "Kids are too expensive," and I would say that probably all of those things are true- about the people talking and about me.  I'm selfish, I do enjoy my own time, kids are expensive, and a full-time job in itself is enough to keep anyone busy. 

Having kids is hard, and my life is so different than it used to be, but it's also one of the most joyful things I've ever done.  Sometimes I wish for a morning to sleep in until 8:00, a date with my husband, or, my goodness, just one quiet moment(!), but I don't ever wish for my old life back.  My children force me to be less selfish, better with my time, more patient, and less tight-fisted with my money.  At the end of the day, they've taught me to be a better person in general, and at the end of my life, I know I won't look back and think, "I wish I had had less time with them and more time doing my own thing."  Some days, I think my heart will burst from a little smile of Caroline's, and then Piper says, "I love you, Mommy," and it does.

Children might not be for everyone, and I certainly don't think that there should be an expectation to have a certain number of kids.  Some people are great with five kids, and I am not one of them.  But if you're waiting until the stars align or until you are "ready" for a first baby (or a second or third), just know that you're always going to be selfish and immature and that your parents were, no doubt, selfish and immature when they had you, and they probably had no money at one point and they probably seemed boring and socially inadequate when you and your siblings were little...and you made it and they made it, and everyone learned a whole lot along the way.