My initial thought was, "That seems odd." Babies have a way of bringing joy everywhere they go. That little giggle fills our house, and sometimes I think my heart will burst. I get to watch the love of my life love this tiny angel. We dream together about her future and laugh together when she farts in the bathtub. Because of Piper, our home is a happier place.
And because of Piper, our home is also more tense and stressful than I ever imagined it would be.
We didn't think we would be amazing parents. We definitely didn't think we had everything all figured out before she got here. But we are slowly starting to learn just how many things we truly didn't consider prior to parenthood.
I'm jealous of his time. I don't like that his first minutes in the door after work are spent holding her instead of holding me. In some irrational places of my mind, I wonder if he loves her more before quickly reminding myself that he loves her differently. I get bitter when considering the division of household chores, which I've unfairly ranked so that they'll always be unevenly divided. ("I bought groceries, made dinner, and did the dishes today. Clearly I've done way more than you"...because you've been away providing for our family.) I feel like there are moments when I'm drowning in a sea of lesson plans, unfolded laundry, and dirty diapers...while he is sitting on the couch watching the Olympics. I'm plagued by a question that technically has nothing to do with Piper: Why is my husband so oblivious?
Obviously, marriage is a two-way street. He's jealous of my time, too. He doesn't like that I often want to go for a run or go out with a friend in his limited time at home. He probably wonders if I'm just aching to get away from him before quickly reminding himself that I'm aching to get away from the house. He doesn't understand the bitterness I've harbored toward him all day while he has been away at work- the bitterness that I am quick to unleash before giving him a chance to do or say anything. He feels like there are moments when all he wants to do is get a little frisky with his wife...while I'm making excuses about having spit up in my hair and being so tired I can hardly think. He's also plagued by a question that technically has nothing to do with Piper: Why is my wife so needy?
I didn't set out to write this blog. I actually intended to write about how the last seven months have been the most glorious whirlwind or our lives. (For the record, they've been that, too.) But if there's one thing that I've come to value in this time of bewilderment and loneliness, it is honesty. Honestly, we are just trying to make it to the next day- as parents and as spouses- and I'm sure that others reading this feel equally clueless. However, when people ask us how we're doing, especially after waiting so long to add this precious little one to our family, we often feel compelled to say that we're great. We feel obligated to fuel the misconception that life after baby is overwhelmingly blissful and romantically charged.
All of that said, I do know that this time is precious, and that the moments of discord are merely a phase. We won't be this exhausted forever. We won't always find so many annoyances with each other. We'll dig a way out of the trenches and look back to laugh at "that first year after we had Piper." In the midst of everything, I'm thankful for her beautiful life and for the many lessons she's taught me in the past seven months that I didn't know I even needed to learn. In the words of C.S. Lewis, "There are far, far better things ahead than any we've left behind."
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| The story of our lives... |
