Friday, June 21, 2013

Update

I tweeted about this a few days ago, but considering the fact that my Twitter account literally has 12 followers, I'm guessing you're not one of the lucky few who read it.

"If you need a little excitement in your life, just decide to adopt.  I promise you'll never be bored."

That has been my story over the past few weeks.  I've experienced just about every emotion under the sun, but boredom certainly hasn't been one of them.

The most consistent emotions have been anticipation and happiness.  I've been praying to be a mom for well over two years, and it's finally going to happen.  Having friends and family who are enthusiastic has made me look forward to this occasion even more. 

Another consistent emotion has been love.  There was a point in time, about a week ago, when I was fairly convinced that the adoption was going to disrupt.  Birth Mom was supposed to meet with our case worker, and she didn't show up.  Our case worker couldn't get in contact with her for days.  I felt sick.  (Thankfully, everything is fine.)  In those unsettling few days, I realized for the first time how much I already love our child.   

I've also been scared.  Birth Mom can still change her mind.  Yikes.

I've felt selfish.  I don't like giving up my sleep for any reason, and I will miss being able to basically do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it.  The days of being "young and wild and free" will soon be over.  Small prices to pay for a new family member, I know.

Every day, I am heartbroken for Birth Mom.  Her life story is tragic, and I don't think she has even gone through the worst of it yet.  I think about her as she is going to her doctor's appointments, feeling our baby kick inside her stomach, and working all kinds of crazy hours.  I think about her achy back and swelling feet, and I cry because I can't imagine enduring all of that to not only make her baby's life better, but ours, too.  I've never prayed for a single person so much in my life.  

I've felt guilty.  We get to be in the delivery room when Baby is born.  I was initially overjoyed when we found out about this, but I immediately started thinking about the implications of it.  While Birth Mom experiences the most excruciating pain of her life in labor and then does the hardest thing she will ever have to do by handing Baby over to us, I'll be in zero pain, looking into the eyes of the greatest blessing we could possibly receive.  When I told a friend that I would probably feel a huge wave of guilt as I hold our baby for the first time, she just said, "Then don't.  Guilt is a waste of your time.  You haven't done anything wrong."  Those were some of the most helpful words I have heard in awhile.

I've felt sad.  As overjoyed as I am to get to bring home this child, a big part of me still hopes that we will be able to have biological children one day.  Last week, we got back the final results from a surgery that took place a year ago.  (The doctor told us that re-testing a year after the operation would yield the most realistic view of our future.  If you're wondering about this part of our story, just private message me.  I don't mind talking about it- just not on the blog.)  Nothing has changed; our chances of conceiving naturally are still slim to none.  I burst into tears when the nurse called.  And then I immediately felt guilty again for being upset.  (Gotta remember that thing about guilt being a waste of time!).  Here's the thing: The sadness doesn't at all take away from my joy in getting to bring home a baby soon.  But the Facebook pregnancy announcements and biological baby showers will probably always poke at my heart, at least just a little.  It's no one's fault; that's just how it is.  I think that the desire to reproduce is inherent in almost every woman, so I am sure that while I'll be the happiest adoptive momma and all of our children will be loved equally, a sense of loss will always be present.

In the midst of all of these emotions, though, I have felt an overwhelming sense of peace.  If you know me at all, you know that I stress out about, well, mostly everything.  But I'm not stressing out about this.  On my wedding day, I was the calmest I have ever been in my life.  I knew that everything else could go wrong, and I would still be married at the end of the day.  I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that spending forever with him was the right thing.  Today I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this adoption is absolutely the right thing.  "It is well with my soul."

It is at about this time in a woman's pregnancy when she starts posting "baby bump" pictures.  This is how a baby bump looks when you're adopting.  Laugh or be confused or think I'm ridiculous; I'm really not sure which to do either.  :) 


Thursday, June 6, 2013

Bursting at the seams.

My blog has been silent for awhile, in part because I stopped blogging for the company with whom I have been working for the past few months.  The extra money was great, but I'm a big believer in writing from your heart instead of writing about topics which don't interest you at all (which was the case in about 90% of the blogs I had to compose).  That's one reason.

The other reason why I haven't been blogging as much lately is because there is so much in regards to the adoption that we are not allowed to post on social media.  I'm going crazy over here.  I process everything through the words that I write.  So, I'm going to attempt to catch you up to speed on this unpredictable life without revealing anything about the baby's or birth parents' identity.  Ugh.

We are just waiting for Baby to come home.  I can't tell you when it will be here or what the gender is, although I can tell you if you ask me directly.  (In that case, you'll probably wish you hadn't asked because then I won't stop talking about it.)

***

I got the phone call that we had been chosen while I was at work one day.  Oddly, the whole situation went down exactly as I had envisioned it, yet I was still so shocked that I could hardly speak.  I remember the secretary at the front desk telling me that I had a phone call and realizing, about halfway through the conversation, what was occurring on the other end of the line.  She looked at me while I was still on the phone and then shouted to the rest of the office, "It's happening!"  Fellow teachers gathered around as I made a few more mumbled comments to our case worker.  I hung up the phone and promptly burst into tears (happy ones, of course).  My friends were in tears, too, because they have watched this journey from start to finish.  After hugs all around, people started to ask, "Is it a boy or a girl?"  I was so dumbfounded that I had forgotten to check.

In the weeks since that surreal day, we have met Baby's birth parents.  I can't disclose much more about that except that they are incredible people.  I would like to say that if I was put in their situation, I would make the same selfless choice that they are making, but I'm not sure that I would.  Abortion absolutely has its ramifications on a woman's body (emotionally and physically), but I think it is, in some ways, an easier choice. It's easier than throwing up all day every day for the first five months of a pregnancy, easier than carrying a baby for nine months and then looking it in the eye only to say goodbye when it is born, easier than knowing, for the rest of your life, that the child you birthed is calling someone else "Mommy."  I know that lots of people will disagree with me on all of that (and I pray that I don't sound demeaning to anyone reading this who has had an abortion).  I didn't really understand it either until I met these people and realized that adoption is not a choice that they made once and then it was over.  This is a choice that they're having to make again and again when they wake up every morning.  That kind of decision requires a degree of strength that I can't comprehend because I'm not sure that I possess it.

I hate the terms "accidental" and "mistake" when referring to unplanned pregnancies.  I also hate when others look at people like us, who are currently unable to give birth to biological children, and say things like, "Oh, how unfortunate."  None of this has been a mistake, and we are certainly not unfortunate (although those have not been my thoughts from the beginning).  Adoption is a beautiful example of God taking all of the seemingly broken pieces of two separate puzzles and fitting them together to create one perfect picture of grace.  There are some days when I still can't believe that this story is happening to us, and those are the days when I realize that I've never been so thankful for having all of my plans dumped upside down.